


Return to 0

by snowdrops



Series: Junior [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 00:56:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7245715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowdrops/pseuds/snowdrops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavi's gone; only Bookman Junior remains. Standalone oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return to 0

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my big bro Eoin, [@transjohnnygill](http://archiveofourown.org/users/transjohnnygill) ~  
> I hope this is what you were looking for, hermano. 
> 
> Working title: _eoin you hurt me.docx_
> 
> Please take note: Return to 0 and Too Little, Too Late were born of the exact same base draft (eoin you hurt me 1.5.docx). As a result, the main story is exactly the same, but the interpretation of Bookman Junior is slightly different.

The eye that opens into his is emerald green, and the voice that breaks the silence is hoarse and low. It’s familiar, so familiar, but Kanda knows it’s not Lavi. It wasn’t Lavi he carried out of the Noah’s mansion, it isn’t Lavi who just woke up, and it isn’t Lavi who speaks.

“G’morning,” the stranger says, his voice rough. “…Yuu.”

“You don’t need to pretend to be him,” Kanda says evenly. “I know you’re not Lavi.”

A mocking laugh forces itself from the stranger’s throat. “And you would know, huh?”

Kanda stays silent, squashes down the bile that threatens to rise, the unfamiliar taste of bitterness on his tongue. _Of course_ he would know. He knew Lavi, knew every inch of the other’s body, knew the way that Lavi would arch into his touch, the light intonations of Lavi’s voice and his careless drawl, and more than anything, he knew the light in Lavi’s eye.

The light that had always been there, flickering - it was gone, extinguished with nary a trace of its existence.

“What am I saying, of course you would know,” the stranger laughs again. It’s laced with a callousness that Kanda never thought he would hear in the redhead’s voice.

“Lavi loved you, you know,” the stranger continues. “He tried to fight it, to deny his feelings. The Noah used it against him, obviously. They used your life as their bargaining chip and he _cared_ ” – the word is spit out like venom – “for you so much that he willingly bore the pain. He cried every time they threw him into the walls, screamed every time they burned him, but he refused to let them kill you.”

He tugs opens the hospital robe, shows Kanda the criss-cross of bruises and lashes marring the tanned skin. Kanda can barely hold back a wince, his heart wrenching at the sight.

“But you are him,” Kanda replies slowly.

“…You don’t understand. Lavi _was_ me,” the other says instead, shaking his head with something akin to pity. “But I am not Lavi. He knew getting attached would only bring him pain, but he was always impulsive like that. You were his ruin, Kanda. Tragedy begets tragedy, sadness begets sadness. How ironic that a heartless bastard like you would make him find his.”

_Yuu, Yuu, Yuu!_

_What do you want, a growl and a blade at his neck._

_Yuu, I –_

_The look of honesty laid bare in the green eye when he’d looked at Lavi had frozen Kanda in his footsteps._

“Where is he?” Kanda asks at last. He needs to know, needs to know, _needs to know_.

The stranger tilts his head up in slight puzzlement. It’s so much like Lavi, but Kanda knows that Lavi would have tilted his head a little bit more to the left, his jaw slackening in his surprise.

“Lavi?” The stranger says. “The Noah broke him. He never stopped hoping. Hope gives way to disappointment, disappointment to despair. He gave up, I took over. He’s gone. You were too late.”

Kanda stands up and stalks out of the room. He doesn’t look back. He can’t bring himself to.

**Author's Note:**

> Lavi and Kanda's relationship pre-capture is entirely open to individual interpretation. Were they in love? Or were they friends with benefits? I wonder...
> 
> Writing Bookman Junior was a huge challenge, which I enjoyed very much but it also hurt me a lot like w h y. I hope it wasn't too confusing to read! I'd like to write him again some time, maybe a less cynical, less world-wearied him. 
> 
> Thanks to Gunny for betaing and thanks to Eoin for the prompt~
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> *I wrote two different versions of this story, so I'll be posting them both under the same series "Junior".


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